DEVASTATION: White iPhone Too Thick

Doug Aamoth of Time’s Techland reports on the long-awaited release of the great white iPhone.

White Apple iPhone

You’ve waited a long time. You almost considered buying the black version, but you knew the slick shiny whiteness would be worth it. The white Apple iPhone. Who wouldn’t want to have one?

Doug Aamoth of Time’s Techland blog reports further on the day that Apple fanboys and girls almost despaired would never come, and how now that it has, they’ve got 0.2mm more than they expected.

A man returns home with his newly-purchased white iPhone. Ten months of waiting—HE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!

His trembling hands struggle to remove the cellophane surrounding Apple’s minimalist, yet irresistible product packaging. “I wish my fingers were knives!” he sputters to himself, breathless with anticipation.

Finally, the cellophane is no more. He grabs the box and gently shakes it up and down, waiting for WHAT SEEMS LIKE AGES for that weird, science-y suction phenomenon that holds box tops against box bottoms in a tender embrace to finally run its course. He imagines the box halves screaming to each other, “I’ll never forget you!” until they’re finally separated like high school sweethearts going off to different colleges.

And there it is. Ten months in a single moment. The white iPhone.

He feverishly removes the protective case from his black iPhone—the vile, wretched slab that he begrudgingly purchased while he hoped against hope for Apple to save him from his own private hell—and as he seductively slides the case onto his new iPhone, his world comes crashing down.

It won’t fit.

Read more: DEVASTATION: White iPhone 0.2mm Thicker Than Black One

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